Jessica Jollie is scheduled to teach an arm balance & inversions workshop on Nov. 2, 2013 at LaVida Yoga. Sign up now to secure your spot. Only $25!!!

 

Back in the saddle again

Being Accountable

I have a secret fetish.  I like to rub my collar bone.  It’s one of several personal ways I can tell if I have gained or lost weight.  Over the past few weeks, I have noticed my collar bone has slowly begun to hide from me.  That is to say, I’m over eating and not getting enough exercise. 
Of course, I knew this.  I (like many of you) sit in the living room with a good snack and a good TV show and eat.  At the same time, I tell myself that I have to stop doing this.  It’s becoming a pattern.  I did this yesterday and the day before and so on.  But, I tell myself, “Tomorrow.  Tomorrow, I’m going to bike to work and work it out ‘til I am dripping in sweat”.   You know how that goes; tomorrow never comes.  But, another snack sure sounds good.

I know, I know.  Y’all are saying. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.  We all fluctuate in our weight”.  I get that.  But, if I’m not hard on myself, who will be?  I’m in the fitness industry.  There is a level of expectation that I feel like I have to meet.  Personally, I would rather take a fitness class from someone that looks fit than someone that doesn’t.  The visual effect gives the customer an idea of what s/he could look like if s/he joined me in working out.  See where I’m coming from?  So, if I wish to prosper, I have to be hard on myself.

Before my scheduled Zumba class tonight, I asked the group if they would be interested in doing the Insanity work out.  Several raised their hands and wanted to know more about it.  I had thought about it but hadn’t hammered out any real ideas or plans yet.  CRAP!!!  Talk about being put on the spot.  But alas, I work my best in the heat of the moment.  I was honest and just let my thoughts flow.  They liked what they heard.  Here’s the pitch.

It’s a 30 minute extremely intense workout.  The moment I thought I was going to die is the moment the workout was over.  I was never so happy.  But DAIM, I felt good!  I had finally accomplished a whole Insanity workout.  If you feel like you need to take a break, by all means do so.  It’s a 7 day a week deal but I understand we have commitments so 6 days a week should do it.  I also understand that the economy isn’t recovering as fast as we’d all like.  As far as pricing, I will charge something like $1 a day.  I only ask  for each person to pay either up front weekly or for the first of the two months up front.  If I’m going to make this commitment and take the time to be here, I need to know that people are going to show up.

Knowing that someone is counting on me to unlock the doors is my motivation.  It keeps me accountable.  Plus, it gets me off the couch and away from the snacking.  It’s a win / win.  The only thing left to do is put it on the schedule. . . along with Pole Fitness and Aerial Yoga.  All three are coming in Sept.  Keep checking the calendar for the updates.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT/FACT OR FICTION

Running alone on a dirt road, surrounded by trees I cross the wooden bridge that covers the river. The water sounds so tempting right now. My skin is glistening in sweat. My breath is steady and deep. My feet are keeping pace with my heart. My ears begin to ring. My senses heighten. My sight is keen. I can hear them. I sense their presence. Then they reveal their true nature to me. . .
And I killed one!

Daytime Vamps-Mosquitoes-True Blood-Kill Bill

Training in motion

Yesterday I met with my new training partner, Beth.  We sat down and hammer out some details about our work schedules and asked some hard questions about ourselves.  We have some homework to do and a lot of training to do as well.  Sunday is our first day of training together.  We will do a little bit of running.  Tomorrow I'm headed to the gym or something.  I was headed out today but I didn't make it.  GRRR!!!!  I hate it when I don't get to go.  


Iron Girl 2012 here I come!

Who's that girl?

With everything that's been going on, it's no wonder you haven't seen nor heard from me in a while.  I had some major things happen or almost happen.  Thank goodness they didn't!  I had to scramble and cut some costs.  One major cost for me is my monthly gym membership at $40.  I hated to part with it, but it had to go.  I figured I would just run, bike and exercise outside or inside if I had too.  I would figure it out.  Where there's a will, there's a way.

I had heard of another gym in the town that I work in a few minutes away.  I had stopped in once before, years ago when I wasn't into the health scene.  I walked into the main lobby and didn't see anyone.  I stood around and looked at posters and flyers on the walls for a while and waited to see if anyone would come to the front desk or ask if I need some help.  No a soul walked by, not even a gym member.  The place seemed vacant.  So, I turned around and walked out.  That was 7 years ago.  I figured I would give it one more try.  It could be under new management by now, right?

I remembered where it was at, so I parked my car and walked in.  The parking was full.  The lobby was bustling with bodies walking back and forth.  Several which turned and looked my way, smiled and said, "Hi" as they past by.  The girl at the desk was folding towels, she could tell I looked a little confused.  She asked if I needed some help, had some questions, or would I like a tour.  "Damn!  She's good." I thought.  She could spot a newbie at the door.  "All of the above" I responded.  At that moment, a brunette came around the corner as if on cue.  The clerk said, "She would be more that delighted to help you out" as she waved over to the brunette. The brunette smiled, introduced herself to me (don't ask me her name!) and whisked me away.

By the time she was done with me, I was impressed with the club and pissed because it felt like for the past few years I had been ripped off by my gym.  For almost half the price, Fitness Forum at 1210 Thompson Bridge Road in Gainesville, Georgia offers more than double of what the other place offers but the other place charges almost double the money.  Plus, all the hassle and run around I got about transferring from one of the franchises to the other was a total nightmare that almost cost me one extra year of a already paid two year contract (total three years when the max all members pay is two years).  Where at Fitness Forum, there is no contract.  HELLO!!

Pretty much everyone knows how hard I've looked into the courses for the Personal Trainer Certification and how I would love to take the course.  But, the funding is holding me back.  I have asked the other place to help me out several times.  Like many gyms, I offered to work off the cost of the cert. or if they would hire me and pay for the cert. I would stay and work for them for a certain time frame.  I wasn't shot down.  Worse.  I was given the, "Maybe in the future" answer.

Before I left Fitness Forum, Ms. Brunette gave me the schedule of the bigillion classes they hold each day and a three day pass.  Needless to say, after my three day pass was used up I joined.  On my fifth day, I cautiously approached one of the managers of the trainers.  After a few moments of conversation and finding out that he is former L.E., I asked my question and I sat with my fingers crossed behind me.  To my surprise, he sat and listened.  When I was done, he turned and stared at the wall for a few seconds and said he had never heard of such a thing.  But was intrigued by it because he was just thinking that he needed to hire a few new trainers and this just might work for him.  But, he would have to run it by his bosses first and that would take some time to pan it all out, fine tune it and present it to them.  I didn't know whether to laugh of cry.  I was so happy to just hear someone else say it was a good idea.  I didn't care if I got a part time gig or a certification out of it at that moment.  I think the validation made the moment.  I walked on cloud 9 for days afterward.  I'm still waiting to hear back from him about it.  It's only been a week and the gym has two benefits coming up in the next two weeks as well.  I've waited this long.  A little while longer isn't going to hurt.

I'm saving some dough, things at home are good, I'm at a better gym and I'm getting some kick ass work outs and I can see the difference.  I'm pretty content right now.  How about you?  What's going on in your neck of the woods?

http://www.fitnessforumgainesville.com/

Ode to the fupa

OMG!  This is so awkward.  I'm so glad we're all women.....Right?!?!? (this is where you men are supposed to take the hint and not read past this point).

There are those areas that seem like they just won't go away.  There is no muscle, so you can't work it out.  You just hope it works itself out with the rest of your body but each time you look, you see the changes everywhere, except there.  GRRRR!!!!

Well, the fupa is one of those areas that I was very worried about resisting change because there isn't anything you can do to work that area.  For the past year, I really haven't paid too much attention to how it looks.  It stays covered for the most part.  I mean I've seen it (of course). But, I just never really took notice of any change since there couldn't be any.

While I was at the gym last night, weighting myself without any clothes on.  I took a good look in the mirror to see what areas I needed to work on the hardest.  I'm very proud to say, since a fupa post I made @ Cafe Mom a while back, I've lost 60 pounds. But, I have 15 pounds to go and I need to continue to tighten and tone up as I go along.  It's a work in progress.

As I slowly spun around, I thought about the not so tight looking skin and how could I solve that problem.  I thought of possible surgery or maybe there was something not so intrusive and more natural that I just hadn't heard of yet that I could do. Then, I remembered.... the ugly fupa!  Oh no!  What about the fupa? How could I fix that?  Was there a cure? 

I turned back around to see my frontal view, squinting my eyes because I was so afraid of what I was going to see. I'm sure by now it was going to be absolutely hideous!  My shoulders were tense and I gritted my teeth.  I thought the mirror was going to crack.  I didn't know how I was going to explain that to the gym owner.  "Yes, my fupa did it."  I don't think he would let me back in the gym ever again.  So many things raced through my mind that I thought it was playing tricks on me when I didn't see the fupa.

I widened my eyes to get a better view.  I even put my hand on it!  I had to touch it to believe it and make sure it was really mine.  Call me a doubting Thomas.  If I was a man, I would slap myself!  The fupa was truly gone! 

So the moral of the story is, most fupas do go away with diet and exercise.  I say most because I only had one. I'm sure there are others with different stories.  It still isn't exactly tiny, yet.  But, it's no fupa!

Someone asked me if I ever figured out how to get rid of it to let her know.  I hope she gets to read this.

Run like a monkey!

Yep, you heard me.

 And I'm hoping it's a new concept that will catch on.  Let me back up..... WAY UP, to the middle of this summer.  When it was just too darn hot outside to even consider doing any type of activities for any length of time outside that didn't involve submerging oneself in water.


I began to run again slowly (more like walk) to get my body and feet used to the idea again.  It had been so long since I ran barefoot, I had to watch some others at the gym, run on the treadmill with their Vibram Five Fingers on to remember the form. It was really hard for me (and still is) to keep my arms relaxed.  I found that I would to want to raise them up close to my body.  But, my hands have no problem being relaxed and bouncing around.  Is that odd?  I thought so.

So, I came up with a very odd solution to my very odd dilemma.  I figured, if I unconsciously drew my arms up and in, I would just let them hang all the way down and let them dangle, like my hands.  This way, it would take them longer to draw up and I would notice them and stop them before I fatigued.  Right?

Ok!  This is what I noticed right to start off with.  Once I put my arms all the way down and relaxed, I realized that I normally walk this way, anyway.  DUH!  If I walk this way, why can't I run like this?  Running is just walking faster.  Right? I very slowly started running.  Before I knew it, I was running on the treadmill at a speed I had never ran before.  But, I was really walking it, at a running pace.  It felt naturally, weird too.

Because of the speed, I had to bend my knees to absorb the shock.  So, it looked like I was "hunkered down".  Those of you who run barefoot know what I mean.  For those that don't understand the term, please, read books on barefoot running like, "Born to Run", by Christopher McDougall.  Other than that, my speed and length of my strides, it was no different than walking.  Nobody gets tired from walking.

I felt like I hit a gold mine.  I know tons of others run like this.  But, I have never seen anyone run with their hands so far down.  It felt a little funny.  The treadmills at the gym face the windows.  I don't know if anyone was watching me, like I watched them to remember the form I needed.  I wondered while I ran on one.  I imagined people walking passed and glancing over and then doing a double take of the chick on the treadmill running like a freak. I laughed at the thought... out loud.  I cleared my throat, looked at the person next to me and said, "That was funny." and pointed at the small TV screen in front of me.  I hoped they noticed I had my Ipod and my Sennheiser ear buds attached to it, while the TV was off.  If they were going to think I'm crazy, might as well make it good.  Right?  My mama always told me if I'm going to do something, do it right.

Jump to when I decide to run outside in the mornings.  Oh this gets even better!  At least I kinda know the people at the gym and can talk to them afterwards to let them know what I'm doing.  But, I can't explain to the millions of people on their way to work in the morning why I’m running down the road looking like a freaking running as if my arms were tied to my hips and swaying like... like....  ?!?!?  In coming calls to Mr. Joy, that would be the husband.  See, we live in a relatively small town where everyone pretty much knows everyone.  In other words, everyone knows your business.  Dear hubby loves me, he rarely complains about what people have to say about me.

In the mornings, I go for my runs and in the evenings, hubby and I settle in and watch a movie or two.  The past few nights, we've decided to catch up on the 'Planet of the Apes" movies.  I used to love them as a kid!  But, I couldn't recall much of it anymore.  In order to understand the latest movie, we started from the beginning.  I have to give props to the film makers.  They did an awesome job for what they had to work with in those days.  Great movies!  One thing I noticed right to start was the way the Chimpanzees walked or ran (not sure which it was).  They had their arms dangling down and their knees bent.  I chuckled because it looked exactly like the way I run.  I thought it was cute.  I was too into the movies to put two and two together.

We watched the first two on the first night.  The second night we watched the third movie made.  The next morning, I woke before hubby and put on a pot of coffee.  It felt good to get out of bed so late on a Saturday!  I hate going to bed hoping to sleep late on my day off only to wake up at 5am.  GAH!  I sat down with a hot cup of Joe, my laptop and my dogs and began surfing the web to see what I had missed over night.  With one hand scratching behind one dog's ear and the other multi tasking the coffee and mouse, I came across a blog http://runlikemonkey.com/ and all of a sudden it all came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks falling from the highest peek of a mountain.

Pictures flashed in my mind of myself running on the treadmill, running down the roads, the "Planet of the Apes" movie scenes of the chimps running and the phrase 'running like a monkey'.  OMG!  Why didn't I see it before?  Just run like a monkey.  Monkeys do it naturally.  We do it naturally when we walk.  It's so simple.  Why don't we all just do it instead of  "pumping the fists"? Where and when did we change the way we run like that?  Wow!  Has anyone else figured this out?  Because I haven't seen anyone run like this before.  Not with their hands and arms THIS relaxed.

Here are the key things I do when I run like a monkey.  Start off walking.  Notice how you keep your arms and hands.  See how they sway back and forth?  Your arms sway, not your hands.  It looks like the long pendulum of a grandfather clock, going back and forth.  As you quicken your pace, your arms move with your legs.  But, you'll see that your shoulders will get into the movement too.  Let them.  It helps with the quickness and  the sway and it doesn't hurt any part of your body as long as you let your arms and hands stay relaxed and flimsy.

Keep your head straight and look forward.

As you build speed to the point of jogging, remember to bend your knees as you make contact with the ground.  This helps protect your body from injury by absorbing the pounding from the hard impact of your feet hitting the ground so much.  You should also practice what I call the art of "running lightly".  That is to say when you land, land on the ball of your feet.  Sounds hard but picture this.  You are running as fast as lighting, in a world class race of the fastest athletes and you're winning.  You're in the lead.  What are you wearing?  Can you see the shirt and the shorts?  Can you see the bib?  Are you just a blur passing by? Awesome!  OK, freeze frame.  Not the song.  You're in mid stride, caught in the air.  One foot pointed out front, one folded back behind you.  Your arms are not folded up and your hands aren't fisted up.  They're loose and are in opposite stride of your feet.  You have on foot pointed out in front and the other is bent towards the back.  You have a huge smile on your face.  There is no hardcore face of determination.  This is a walk in the park for you.  Everyone else behind you is pumping and working hard but getting nowhere.

Next frame.  The ball of your front foot touches the ground first.  Your hind foot is pulled under you getting ready to be the next front foot.

Next frame.  Your front foot completely rests on the ground from heel to toe, knee slightly bent.  Your body is directly above it.  Your hind foot is now pulled up under you like you are going to lift up your knee to hit a soccer ball or a hacky sack with your knee.  Your whole weight is on the foot that rests on the ground.  You look like the karate kid doing the eagle pose minus the hands out.  Go ahead and do it.  I know you want to.  I'll wait.  Key in the Jeopardy game shoe music...

Now that you're back, next frame.  Your once hind foot is now your front foot and the film loops over and over again.  There you go, you too look like a monkey!

Remember two things.  Keep your arms all the way down and flimsy.  Land on the ball of your feet and keep your knees bent.  Everything else will come with time or naturally.  Like the sway.  You just can't help it, you'll want to sway.  Don't stop it.  Your head will want to sway with the rest of your body, try to keep it as straight as you can.  You need to focus on where you're going.  If your head is swaying back and forth, you may not see a pothole or you could get dizzy..  Monkeys keep their heads completely still when they run.  We should try to as well.  Keep your shoulders relaxed, or as pulled downward as possible.  I'm a very uptight person, this is very hard for me.  If you hold a lot of tension in your neck and shoulders like I do, carry something in each hand like a water bottle with a carry handle.  Just make sure you don't injure yourself if you should drop what you carry.

I will post a tutorial video soon of How to Run like a Monkey.  You can ask your friends if they can do the Monkey Run.  When they ask what that is, you can do a demo for them.  You'll be the hit in the office!  Don't forget to scratch your pit and ask if anyone as a banana.  Picking a flea or two off the Ms. Prissy of the office and eating them shows how much of a team player you are.  Impress your boss with your new talent and then post a comment about how much of a raise you got!  Just kidding here, but not about the video.

I could be totally wrong.  There could be a whole old movement on this technique of running and I'm jumping on the caboose but I think I'm the Engineer.  Has anyone ever heard of the Monkey run before?  What name does it go by?  I've done a little search can't seem to find anything similar to what I'm explaining.  If there isn't anything out there like this.  I'm claiming stakes on it, the style and name.  IT'S MINE!!  WHOOOHOOO!  That's just in case lol.

Part 2 will be the video. Should be really.... entertaining.  Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into?!?!?  I'm going to be running on the internet like a monkey.  HAHA!  The remakes done by others are going to be great.  I love you guys.  Make sure to post links to them here so I can see.

P.S.
Even if you don't run, you really need to give this a try just for a few strides across the house or across the yard with the kids.  Maybe you could do it down a hill or down the street with your dogs.  It's pretty fun and not really tiring.  That's what everyone loves to hear.  It does take practice to get it right and to do it automatically.  You have to run often and use this technique every time if you want your muscle memory to take over each time you begin to run.  Practice makes perfect.

P.S. after the P.S.

For those who may take offense to the title by thinking that it is something meant to be a racial thing.  I have a few words for you….  Grow the fuck up and take a good hard look at the picture of the author.  I just happen to be half Afro~Latino and very comfortable with myself.  I see past the color of skin because a person doesn’t have the choice their color.  But, they do have the choice of what type of person they are going to be, each and everyday they wake up.  Everyday we wake up and put our feet on the floor is another wonderful opportunity to be a better human being than we were the day before.  Color has no play in it, what so ever.  So please, spare me and anyone else for that matter the racism crap.  If you have a problem with that or with any race, creed, nationality or religion of people, you’re in for it here.  I’m not just an Afro~Latino, I’m a Bruja!

You’d better RUN, I’m going to get you!!!

Leave a comment!

Old Father Time Will Tell

There are a few things as a runner that we go through pretty fast besides running shoes.  One of those items is a set of ear buds or ear phones.  Trying to find a good quality pair that will last a while and stay in your ears is like finding a needle in a hay stack.  I couldn’t tell you how many times I have purchased a set and had to return them at the store for one reason or another until I found a set that I was semi happy with.  If I was lucky, I would find a pair that would last a few months.  But, when I would go back to buy them again, the store no longer carried them or the company discontinued making them.

I feared making a purchase like this online because it takes a week to receive the package in the mail.  If I don’t like what I’ve bought, I have to go through the whole shenanigans of mailing it back exactly the way it was packaged with everything it came with.   Then wait several more weeks to get my money refunded or to get another pair.  I get a headache just thinking about it.  Even with all the grand reviews of how great a product is, there is always the fear of “What if?”  Needless to say, the ear buds that I had for the past year, I hated.  But, they were the best ones I could find at our local high tech store that fit in my price range.  When the left speaker wire finally started to give me trouble last week, I celebrated. 

I started with checking past posts from my running mamas at   http://www.cafemom.com/group/247/forums/?group_id=247& for some advice on which brand to buy.  I knew from past experience that if I bought cheap, I was going to get cheap.  But, I couldn’t spend a fortune either.  Bose is good and I have a set for in home use.  But I didn’t want anything bulky or anything that is going to reduce outside noise. I run and bike on the roads so I need to be aware of cars coming up from behind.  At the same time, I didn’t want to sacrifice good sound.  There’s nothing like hearing those songs that give you the extra energy to keep moving with deep base and clear, crisp highs.  I was looking for ear buds that are known to stay in the ear while running hard, have good sound, last a long time for sports wear.  That’s a tall order.  After reading many pages, I narrowed it down to the Sennheiser brand.  There are all kinds of models and to be honest, I was confused as to which to get.  I didn’t need one that had volume control.  I had control of that already.  I had behind the ears before and didn’t like them, due to sound quality.  By the time I was done I was left with the MX 85 twist to fit.  It looks like it has two speakers on each ear bud.  But, one is orange.  Maybe it’s a suction cup.  I could only guess how this contraption was going to stay in my ear canal.

I found a pair on Amazon.com at a reasonable price and bought them.  I have paid the same price for a pair of ear phones at our local store before so I didn’t feel bad about my purchase.  Plus, I know I can trust Amazon.com.  I’ve made many purchases there over the years.  So I have to wait a few days.  It was like a kid waiting for Christmas.  Two whole days later, the package came in.  It took me about two minutes to figure out how to put them in, but I have to say, I am totally happy with the quality of the product and the sound it produces.  They seem to really stay in the ear well.  The test of time will tell if they last more than a few months.  I hope so because as for right now, I’m a big fan.

The buds have one side that is longer that the other.   I remember reading someone complaining about this.  It was instantly clear to me why it was this way.  They are for athletes.  They assume you are going to wear your iPod or music device on your body.  The shorter end is the side that is to be worn closest to the device and ear so there isn’t extra wire to get in your way.  Many people also couldn’t figure out how to put the buds in their ears and returned the buds, complaining that it came without instructions.  All of this worried me before I ordered mine, but at the same time, I told myself that it really couldn’t be that hard to put an ear piece in your ear.  I sat at the kitchen table and looked at the ear bud and all the things it came with. 

I did the obvious first.  I put the spongy thing over the speakers.  Then I noticed that the orange round piece was rather large and there were bigger and smaller orange pieces.  I replaced the piece with the smallest orange piece.  I then tried to put the buds in my ear by twisting one way, then the other.  Neither way worked.  I read the paper it came with and it didn’t say anything about how to insert it into your ear.  Hmm.  I tried it again with no success.  It has to work because there were people out there that say it does.  I got up and went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror.  I grabbed my ear and stuck that godnabbit thing in my ear.

Guess what?  When I did that, I accidently stuck the whole dang thing in my ear.  Both speaker and suction cup piece.  It fit just right too.  So, that is how it goes in?!?!?  That orange round piece is like a hook that snaps into the upper part of your inner ear.  All you have to do is mash the bud in your ear canal like it is a marsh mellow and twist.  Now, don’t go hurtin’ yourself!  Don’t jam the thing up in there! Go easy.  It’s not supposed to hurt at all.  When it can’t go in any further, let it go.  It should stay in by itself.  If it doesn’t, try again.  You’ll get it in a minute.

P.S.

Took the buds for a bike ride, loved them!!! Even with the wind, the sound was AWESOME!!!  I didn’t have to mess with them once.  I had a blast and was bouncing in my seat to ‘It takes two” by Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, screaming ‘WHOA, YEAH, WHOA, YEAH, WHOA, YEAH”.  I’m going to guess the construction crew at the end of the road thought I was making cat calls at them when I seen their heads put up from the ditch.  The look of confusion on their faces was priceless and sent me into a delirium.  They laughed and waved as I passed and went back to work.

I so wish I made this one up!!!!

How to Make a Doll Into a Wine Glass in 23 Quick Steps

By Edith Zimmerman | May 13, 2011

Not that you ever would, or should. But in light of these condiment bottles...
1. Get a doll with a plastic head. They sell good, cheap ones at CVS, Rite Aid, and places like that.
2. You’ll also need a pair of scissors, a plastic wine glass, and a hammer. (Optional but not actually recommended: clear nail polish.)

3. Cut off the doll’s head. If it’s a doll like the one I got — a cheerleading one from Rite Aid that chants “cookies, cookies, cookies ‘n’ cream” — it has a soft body and a hard plastic head, so you can just cut the cloth away from the body and it comes off easily.

4. Now that the head is off the body, play with the hair — you only live once.

5. OK, now cut off all the hair.

6. Rinse her head in the sink and wipe off your table, because the haircut will probably have created tiny stubs of hair that you're breathing.
7. Anyway, draw a line around her head where you want to cut.

8. Cut!
9. Pull out her hair stubs from the inside of her head with your fingernails. If you feel weird that this is actually what you’re doing on a Saturday night, put on HOT 97 — it's really good on Saturday nights.
10. Now plug up the empty hair-holes in her scalp. Nail polish, I guess? Also, this fine-art project is definitely going to give you cancer (or has already given you cancer).
11. Now for the wine glass part. (Oh, and hopefully your doll's eyes are encased in plastic inside her head, as this one's are, or you might have to do some additional sealing, or just abandon the project.)

12. Spend a few minutes trying to saw through the stem of your plastic glass with a serrated knife — or just the knife part of your corkscrew — and then quit, because it’s impossible.
13. Use the corkscrew and its little corkscrew knife to open a new bottle of wine. The knife part has plastic powder on it from the glass you were trying to saw, so plastic powder gets on the mouth of the bottle you’re opening, which pours into your glass (you've been drinking wine from a real glass this whole time), so you’re drinking plastic now as well.
14. Wrap the plastic glass in a paper towel so it won’t shatter everywhere, and then beat it with a hammer until the wine-holding part has been all crushed away.

15. Great! Now it’s time to put the stem and the baby head together.
16. If the stem doesn't fit in the neck hole, hit it more with the hammer until it looks like it should.
17. Spend like 25 minutes trying to cram the doll head onto the stem of the plastic wine glass. Cry. No, don’t cry, but feel like you could if you wanted.

18. But seriously why won’t it just fit on the fucking thinggg.
19. More hammering and then cramming.

20. OK, the baby's head is on the stem.
21. Rinse it out.
22. Test it with water; it’s covered in holes and therefore useless.
23. Well, there you go. You’re done! You can now get rid of alllll your other glasses and cups.

Run fat girl, run!: In Remembrance of Ms. Emma May

Run fat girl, run!: In Remembrance of Ms. Emma May: I just wanted to take a moment to mention and remember a cute old lady that lived at a Rehabilitation Center that also cares for the eld...

In Remembrance of Ms. Emma May

I just wanted to take a moment to mention and remember a cute old lady that lived at a Rehabilitation Center that also cares for the elderly as a nursing home.  Out of privacy and respect for her family, I will just call her Ms. Emma May.

I met Ms. Emma May when my mother became her room mate.  Unlike my mama, Ms. Emma May was a long term patient.  She lived there and had no visitors from what I could gather.  I visited my mom daily in the first several weeks of her therapy.  I went with her to support and motivate her.  She needed the support badly, as she seemed to just sleep and nobody knew what to do with her. 

I watched Ms. Emma May after therapy when I would take mom to her room and help her into bed.  I would stay for hours doing various things.  The aide that cared for my mom didn’t have to worry about her.  I did it all, I made sure she ate, got washed, etc.  The whole time, nobody came to see Ms. Emma May.

Now, Ms. Emma May was bed ridden and had atrophy to most of her limbs.  Her eyes stayed closed most of the time.  But, every few minutes, she would holler out loud a few words.  I could never tell if she was in a dream state or if it was the medication she was on that put her in that state of neither here nor there.  But, I did notice that when an aid spoke with her, Ms. Emma May would respond just fine.  After that day, I made it a point to say hello to Ms. Emma May and each day afterwards included her as much as possible into our conversations.  She was the sweetest thing.  I did learn that her responses were limited to just a few words at a time and she was very hard of hearing.  But that was OK because she would crack me up if she didn’t understand what was said, she would just say something out of context to the effect of, “Well, I sent him to the store to get some.”  I grew fond of Ms. Emma May and our odd conversations.  They made me forget for a few minutes out my day about the real world and I could slip into a world like Alice in Wonderland. 

I got a phone call one night from the Center.  It was the night shift nurse calling to let me know that my mom had slipped out of her bed and crawled across the room to where Ms. Emma May’s bed was because Ms. Emma May had fallen out of her bed.  My mother sat with on the floor with Ms. Emma May until someone could come and help her.  That night, the janitors were waxing the floors.  Nobody heard the bed alarms that sound off when someone who can’t walk is out of bed.  When the janitors moved further down the hall is when the alarm could finally be heard by the staff and they ran to find out what was the problem.  Ms. Emma May seemed to be fine and her family was also notified of the fall.  Whether they requested for her to be taken to the hospital or checked out in the morning by a staff doctor, I don’t know.  My mom was OK and put back into bed.

After that night, I could never get Ms. Emma May to respond to me.  Even though everyone I asked told me that she still spoke from time to time, I never heard her say another word.  No more would I hear her spontaneous bursts of phrases.  No more would she make me jump out of my skin when I had my back turned and she would holler out (I swear she really did that on purpose because I could almost see a smile on her face).  I still talked with her though.  I still greeted her and rubbed her arm to let her know it was me.  She stayed in this zombie like state for about two weeks.  I hated seeing her like that.  I didn’t ask why she was like that, it wasn’t my business.  I just wished her family would come and be with her because I knew her time was drawing short.

I remember leaving the Center on a Tuesday night.  I stayed late that day.  It was around 6 or 7 pm by the time I got out of there.  I had gotten there late in the afternoon instead of in the morning that day.  It was starting to get dark.  I think rain was coming in.  I kissed ma for the millionth time bye, and waved while I said good bye to Ms. Emma May.   I didn’t go visit Mom the next day and got there early on Thursday.  As I walked down the halls, I said my hellos and good mornings to everyone.  I didn’t see Ms. Emma May so I knew they hadn’t gotten her up, yet.  I walked into my mom’s room and seen my mom.  She was all smiles to see me, as usual.  But the odd thing was, Ms Emma May’s stuff was gone and someone else’s stuff was there.  My heart sank.  I asked mom and she confirmed that Ms. Emma May passed in her sleep that Tuesday night. Ms. Emma May died at an unknown ripe old age.

Ms. Emma May, may you rest peacefully in the arms of your maker.  Thank you for all you’ve given to me.  It may seem like it wasn’t much but it means the world to me.

Who said we HAD to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice 24/7?

Some of you know that I’ve always wanted my family to be an active part of my journey toward getting health.  I hoped they would cheer me on and even jump on board the train so we could discover this new world of confusion, pain, and fun, together.  HA!  That was one big fat dream that blew back in my face like a dog's silent fart that makes you want to gag.
That family struggle was a long time ago.  Since, they've slowly come around to accept the fact that I am not going to stop moving forward.  I don't know what has made them change their minds.  It could have been a number of things.  Or it just could have been that I had set my feet into concrete and I wasn’t budging.  I'm willing to give on some things, but I refuse to compromise on my health.  I may have done it before.  But, knowing what I know now.  I just can't.
Last year, my daughter joined ROTC.  It wasn't a big surprise.  She comes from a family of military and law enforcement.  But, we were still very proud of her and her choice.  I had asked her why she joined, because she never showed any interest up to this point.  She said, “Because So and So said I couldn’t do it.  He told me that I couldn’t hack it and would drop out so I am going to prove him wrong.”  She had a very calm tone to her voice, and a very calm look upon her face, it was almost disturbing.  She's like her mama.  Don't challenge her.  Don't tell her something is impossible for her to do, when she knows her limits and that is well within her limits.  She made it through the year.  She proved So and So wrong.  She wasn't sure she was going to stay in it the following year.  But, she did.
Jump forward to this school year.  We went to the high school to get her schedule before school started.  When I took a look, I was surprised to see that she was taking ROTC again.  When I asked her about it, she just looked at me and said, "Yeah. I figured, why not?”  I left it at that.  I was happy she made a good choice, I wasn't going to drill her.  I responded with, "Cool.", or something like that.
A day or two after school started, she came home and with a very excited tone, announced that she was trying out for the Raider team with in ROTC.  The Raider team is the athletic team.  Now, I got really excited for her!  She said she has to be able to run 2 miles and do push ups.  She asked that I help her with it.  SWEET!!!  If there was enough room in the house I would’ve done cartwheels!  We finished our discussion and made plans to do our first run that Saturday.
As the weekend approached, everyone in the house started to fall sick with allergies and colds.  It’s just that time of the year.  School has started and two out of the three of us are at a school.  Hubs works at a High School.  I was determined not to let this get in the way of our plans.  Generally, I’m the only one in the house that never falls sick.  I may suffer from a little bit of allergies but nothing that is debilitating.   If I pray to the gods of Claritin or Allegra, I’m good!  This weekend?  Nothing could touch what I had.  None the less, I made a promise to my daughter and her birthday is this month. 
She still needed to be fitted for the right running shoe.  You just can’t start running several miles in any old pair of sneakers and expect to not have pain or not get injured.  So, off we went to Fleet Feet, first thing on Saturday.  Well, not exactly first thing.  It was more like around 12 by the time we got in gear and out the door.  Then we had to stop for gas first and get food.  Neither of us had eaten.  I knew I had a long drive, finger food was on the menu and I was in the mood for breakfast.  Fresh fruits!!!  Oh yeah!  We stopped at the local grocery store and loaded up on grapes, pine apples, strawberries and other fruits.  While my daughter was more in the mood for vegetables, she got a salad.  I love fruits.
I had told my daughter on the ride there, the prices were high.  We were going to get her fitted, buy the shoe and leave.  I didn’t think about it being a Saturday.  Once we arrived, it was like walking into runner’s heaven.  I could spend a lot of money in a place like that.  Then again, it makes me really mad that they take advantage of suckers like us.  I’m not a retailer guru, nor a market specialist.  But, it wouldn’t surprise me if some of those items only cost pennies on the dollar to make.  I totally drooled over the camel packs.  The price?  Only $85.  Wha?!?!?  Come on!  That is outrageous.  The one I use was purchased at Wal~Mart.  Sure, it’s a tad bit bulky but it was only $15 and works the same.  The material and basic design were the same.
The place was packed and there was a line of people waiting to be fitted.  So we had to walk around the store!  How evil is that?  That is like putting candy in front of a kid.  We found the for sale rack.  I didn’t think we’d find any good sales.  But we did.  One pair of shorts that were $25 and marked for 25% off.   I was very pleased with the quality for the price.  The plus was that they fit.  It was the last one in her size.  We heard her name being called as soon as we found the shorts.  I love the time, questions, and care they take to make sure the fit is right.  When we left, my daughter was 100% confident of her decision and never felt so good about buying a pair of shoes. She decided on a pair of Asics DS Trainers.

We hopped in the car and headed home.  We had to wait until the evening to run.  It was just too hot.  Around 7, we headed outside.  I decided to go on my bike while she ran.  She did great for her first run.  I don’t think she’s going to have a problem with the running test of the try out, at all.  The push up test maybe a challenge for her.  She’s already pulled a muscle in her arm.  But, we’re going to work on it.  I just hope she doesn’t give up, whether she makes the team or not.  Push ups are my weakness too.  When I started, I could only do 3.  I’m up to 7.  I do them with my toes to the ground and my hands under my shoulders.  I know some put their hands out further.  It makes it easier that way.  It’s my understanding that the hands placed in line with the shoulders is the correct way.  I’m sure to each his/her own.  However, if I’m doing it the hard way then the easier way should be no problem for me.  I’d like to be able to do at least 15 to 20.

Do you work out regularly?  If not, do you plan to start?
 Leave me a comment and thanks for reading!  Don't forget to click on the +1 and then click on the follow so you can follow my blogs.  Find my on Facebook as LisaGoodwinSmith. twitter as LisaSmith4182 and visit my store at http://www.etsy.com/shop/LisaGoodwinSmith  I'm sure you can find me at several other places too.  If you do, let me know.... Wait.  If you do, let the other me know.  Oh boy....

Could there be a ghost with a shoe fetish lurking in my house?

I mean really!  Somebody please explain to me this phenomenon.  How do several flip flops just go poof?  At first I thought it was the dog, but now I'm having second thoughts about it.  Yet, ANOTHER flip flop has gone missing!

Here's the scenario.   I was home alone.  Both exit doors were locked.  All doors in the house were closed.  I made note of this because it was hot that day and I was trying to get the A/C to circulate in the main parts of the house.  The main open parts were the kitchen and living room.  There is a small area in the back entrance that we use to store canned goods, the washer and dryer and the dog's bed is at.  We also take off our shoes at the door and leave them there.  This is where two of the three have gone missing from, hence the dog being blamed.  The dog has never been caught in action.  Not a trace has ever been left behind.

Earlier in the day, I had gone out with the flip flops on to check on the farm animals.  I took them off and placed them inside the back entrance with several other shoes.  Both dogs were inside with me.  About four hours had passed and I decided it was time for the dogs to go out and I had to run some errands.  I walked over the back door and put on one flip flop.  I looked in between the two sets of shoes for the other then realized it was missing!  How could this be!  The pit bull was standing in the kitchen looking at me because he heard the magic word, "outside".  I took the flip flop off and I actually asked him if he took the other one.  He sat down and wagged his tail at me.

I thought I was going to be smart and I tossed the flip flop at him joyfully to see if he would fall for the trick and snatch up the shoe and either eat it or go running to his secret hiding spot that seems to only exist in another realm.  The flip flop landed right in front of him!  YES! Finally I'm going to get to the bottom of this and unite all of our flip flops that are missing their partner.  He looked at the flip flop, got up and walked right passed it and past me, over to the door and sat back down.  He sat there and patiently waited for me to open the door and let him out.  He had no interest in a stupid inanimate object.  That is for pups.

So, there I stood feeling very stupid because I've been outsmarted by a dog, yet again.  To make myself feel better my ego stepped in and came up with the excuse that it has to be a ghost with a shoe fetish.  I've moved all the furniture and looked behind and under every other thing in the house and I sit can't locate any of these missing flip flops.

I've got more stuff to tell you about today so come back later on!

Eeekk!!! Kitty Monster!!!!

First off, I must apologize for being MIA.  I'll fill you in on my progress and set backs.  But first, I must tell you about the freaking monster that attacked me yesterday!  I barely made it out alive.

I woke up around 6:30 and got Nicole off to school.  Roy was still in bed.  He didn't have to go to work until the next day and we had a great time out the night before.  At around 9 I went outside to check on and feed the farm animals.  It was still very cool outside, the grass still had dew on it.  So, I decided to go out for a late morning run.  I quietly slid into my shorts and put on my running gear.  I threw on my camel pack and decided I wasn't going to take my ipod.  The sounds of the morning were going to be my music.  I did take my phone which I normally don't do.  I went through my normal check list.  Sweat towel, check.  Garmin, check.  Water, check.  Phone, check.  Deodorant, check.  No ipod this time, check.

Even though it was late, it seemed as if everyone was taking their time this morning.  Even the sun.  There was still the morning fog looming about, here and there.  I have to admit I was a bit slow too.  I didn't leave the house until 10.  I don't know where the time went.  Believe it or not, the grass was still wet with dew at 10 in the morning and it was still very cool outside.  So cool that for a minute, I thought about turning back around and putting on pants because I was cold.  But, my old self, that I call Reason, spoke up and said, "Now, now!  You know good and well that in just a few minutes when your blood gets moving, you're going to be warmed up and in no time you're going to be hot as heck and sweating.  So stop talking nonsense and just get to running."  So off, I went.

This time, I planned to walk out the door and run down the road.  Once I reached the bottom of the driveway, I could feel the heat and friction.....  Hmmm.  That just didn't feel right.  I had to think for a second what was wrong.  Then it came to me.  My thighs were rubbing!  Gah!  I didn't put on Body Glide.  Back up the drive way and into the house I went.  Fishing my house key out of the new arm wrap, ipod and key holder was a workout in itself.  Body Glide applied to inner thighs, check.  Back out the door and down the drive way I went. Now, I can get down to business!

After about 1/4 mile of walking, I began to run.  No sooner did I start, I heard a god awful noise.  It was a high pitched, two toned screeching.  It came out of nowhere and was sudden, for no reason.  I was alone.  Running on a road where there are no houses.  It was just me, pavement, a few inches of grass then the ditch then trees on the other side of the ditch which can be very deep at some points.  The area is absolutely beautiful.  It is often used for camping and hunting.  With that in mind, I watch for bears, dogs, and hunters.  I'd hate to be on the bad side of any of them.

I turned around to see where horrid noise was coming from.  There was nothing behind me.  I could've sworn I heard it come from behind!  I looked down as I began to turn back forward and there it was!!!  A very TINY eight legged, two headed, furry, kitty monster chasing me!!!!  I screamed like a b!t%h, did the pee pee dance, all while running backwards! No need to fear, chicken sh!t scaredy cat is here!!

Once I came to my senses, I realized it was two kittens that were about 6 weeks old. It looked like they had been dropped off and were hiding in the ditch.  When I ran by, they seen something they were familiar with and came out screaming for help.  I stopped and they ran up to my feet and meowed like crazy while rubbing and running in circles.  I couldn't just walk or run away.  They would've gotten hit by a car, killed by an animal or starve.  I scooped them up and ran home with them.  I woke up Roy to let him know we had 'guests'.  Once placed in a secure area with kitten food and water, I ran back down the drive way.  As I left, I told Roy that if I had to come back I wasn't going to run at all.

Luckily, I was able to have a wonderful run/walk after all.  I must have gone at least 4 miles total and felt great.  Later that night, Nicole and I gave the kittens a flea bath and put my homemade 100% natural flea repellent on them.  I sell the flea repellent along with other items at
http://www.etsy.com/shop/LisaGoodwinSmith

Stop in my store and take a look around and share the link with all of your friends, PLEASE!!

They are up for adoption.  The calico is a female and the black on white is a male.  If you're interested, let me know!!!